Not Without a Fight . . .Part 5 - Finale

I am sure I was given instructions, but who can remember anything after that.  I get dressed and just exit.  I keep my head low and walk quickly to the car for fear I might embarrass myself with tear stained cheeks or heaven forbid I just loose it.

By the time I am home again, I am composed.  I have a million things going through my mind, but on the outside I am calm.  I think I should start doing video messages to the boys about how much I love them.  Give them some life lessons, like those that have been on Oprah do.  Maybe I should write them a note for them to read at graduation, wedding and birth of their first child. I wonder will Jake even remember me.  Will my long blond locks fall out?  Will this scare my oldest son?  Will this be all he remembers? What kind of toll will this take on them?

My husband and I never let on to anyone what we were going through.  I would just sit still in the media room pretending to watch a movie but really preparing myself for the possible out comes. I withdrew from everyone.  I just could not put on a happy face or cheerful voice to fake it!

Next day - no call from the lab.  Don't they get I am freaking out here?  This is just a job.

Day after that, again no call.  I call the lab and am told to call back after 2.  I am Johnny on the spot - 2 on the dot.  No news.  I call at 4:57 before they head home for the night.  Nothing!  I think great - they are going home for a fun evening and I sit here wondering if I have a fight for my life on my hands!  I snuggle extra hard and extra long, please let them remember this. I sign the song Jake loves until he is asleep and snuggle in with Scoots until he is asleep.

Friday 8:01am - "no ma'am, we do not have the results yet.  We will call you."  By now the lady who answers the phones and I are best friends.  I call at 11am - no news.  2pm - no news, but she promises to call me.  4:03pm I got the call.

I was outside.  It was a beautiful day, not too cold, not too hot, perfect for a sweatshirt around the neck.  I was hunting supplies to build a fall display for the entry glass table.  I had the phone on me.  I had done everything with the phone attached to me the last few days.  I was alone, in the yard and in my head.  All my thoughts were consumed with this call.  And she called.

Not Without a Fight. . . Part 4

As I lay on the gurney, in this semi dark room, half dressed, with a sonogram tech, a Dr. I have never seen before and the tech's little chotskies, I hear nothing.  The tech has a red flower in a small blue vase, a picture framed of her and her niece, a stuffed gorilla, a pink water bottle and a mini fan with a purple base that was battery operated.  My world was spinning but I knew where everything was in that room, what it looked like and the room smelled like.

I am told to get dressed and that they will have to schedule the next step.  I said "ok . . .ok." 

Not Without a Fight . . . Part 3


So I go.  Perfectly lovely day.  I head off to Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, also known as Texas Health Resources.  I chose Presbyterian Dallas for many reasons.

1 I wanted a hospital that could handle anything.  Well funded, means well staffed, means well educated, means latest and greatest technology, treatment, facilities and equipment.  I am not saying other hospitals don't have the same, that is why I went there.

2 It was close.  IF they found something, my people could get there quick.  IF I was to have multiple Dr.s visits I needed it to be close. IF i was going to have a hospital stay I wanted it to be in the area of our son's schools, family, work and home.

3 I had both of our sweet baby boys at Presbyterian Dallas. I was familiar with the hospital.  Our family was familiar with it.  I wanted some place easy and familiar IF we were going down this road.

So, I go.  I am nervous.  My voice is running a little high, I was a little jittery.  Despite me not really wanting to hear any bad news I was speeding to this appointment.

The nurses and admin help were great.  I signed probably 10 forms, my husband being a litigator says sign away, all contracts can be broken.  I say that is why I didn't read the forms,  it was probably more of I cannot read them, I am too freaking nervous.  

I was escorted back.  I got the change here, put your things there, sit over yonder speech.  I remove my top and bra only to TRY to put these boobies in a tiny, made for a child cover up!  Who makes these wraps, children? All I can tell you is boobs this big don't fit!  Thankfully, in my prepared for anything state I had a wrap.  So tiny cover up and wrap I am ready to go, sitting in the waiting room of other women in tiny cover ups.  I am telling you some needed a wrap!

They call my name, I grab my stuff, and I head back.  I am escorted to a room, asked my name, social security number, relevant medical history.  I was asked to stand at this machine, feet forward, raise your right arm, hold here, chin back, hold your breath.  It was NOTHING like others have described.  It didn't hurt, it wasn't painful, and it was quick!  I was in and out in about 45 mins! I cannot get my children dressed and out the door in 45 mins much less a Dr.s appt.  I am off about my day!

Jitters are gone.  Nervous gone and seriously way over rated. Voice was back to normal and speeding under control.

I didn't really think anything about it after that.  There were children to deal with, husband traveling to LA for a law suit.  We were remodeling our home.

Approximately 3 days later I got some mail from Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas.  It was one of those pieces that is stuck together - you have to break the perforation and tear away - three times.  I opened it.  It said the scans were inconclusive and asked me to come back in for more testing.  I tossed it on the glass table in the entry and went on with life.  When my husband got home and was going through he mail he read it.  His response was a bit different than mine.  "Did you see this?"  "What does this mean?"  "Have you talked to your Dr.?"  "Do you have another appointment?"  All justifiable questions, but none that I had considered.

Not Without a Fight . . . Part 2

In October 2009 I went for my first mammogram.  I had given birth in November 2007.  Stopped breast feeding in 2008, finally got around to seeing the OBGyn for a yearly check-up in November 2008.  My Dr. told me then she wanted me to go get a first scan.  With no more babies, no more breast feeding, she wanted a baseline reading. 

Well, I didn't do it.  Who has time with a baby to go sit in a waiting room, plus I was scared.  My grandmother had been stricken with breast cancer twice.  Once when my mother was a child and once when I was 23.  It was horrible for her; it was horrible for our family.  We worried for her, every cough meant something.  Not eating meant something.  The medicine made her sick.  She lost her hair; it truly did a number on her body.  So knowing family genetics play a part in the percentage of who gets it and who doesn't I thought I would wait until  . . .  who knows.  No date determined, would just wait. 

Ignorance is bliss???  Head in the sand???  Probably so!

I finally got around to doing it in October 2009.  I decided to do it for several reasons then. 

1 - After reconnecting with friends on Facebook, one decided to hold a get together.  I went. 

I saw friends I had not seen since high school graduation.  We hugged, caught up on lives and gossiped about who was doing what, married to whom and how one of our "friends" there was acting like a real slut! 

It was then that one of my best friends from high school told me she had removed both her breast.  When my friend Amy was younger her mother had gotten breast cancer and if I remember correctly Amy's mom's mom had had it also.  Amy wanted to take charge of her life.  She did not want to be a victim of breast cancer.  So she was tested.  Amy did the BRCA-1 test and it came back positive.  Amy had three children, was going back to school to get her PhD. and working at a fertility specialist.  Her mother had already passed away; Amy did not have time for cancer or the support network to take care of her.  Amy was everyone's support network.  Amy made a brave decision and had them removed.  When we caught up that night she was waiting to do reconstruction.   

2 - A friend I had known since elementary school had be stricken with breast cancer.  They discovered it while she was pregnant. 

I didn't learn of her cancer until much later.  I sent out a Christmas card after the baby was born, December 2007.  I didn't receive one from my friend, which was unusual.  She had sent them the previous 6 years, what must have happened?  Divorced?  Didn't get my address change?  Dropped me from her list? 

I suspected the latter. It happens. 

One day she popped up on Facebook.  Her long blond locks were gone, replaced by a short black cropped haircut.  She still had a beautiful face, but there was something different about this picture.  There was another child.  OH, that explains it - she was pregnant and didn't have time to do cards.  I get it - children can suck the life out of you at times.  In fairness, they give it back also!

In early October of 2009 she posted on Facebook about her being cancer free 1 year.  She praised God she was still here, thanks her Dr.s and expressed love for her husband and family.  Her husband, family and friends were going to walk in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 3-day walk in her honor. Now that explained the missing Christmas card.

I believe she sent an email out to friends asking for financial support of her team.  We gave.  Finding a cure, supporting the women going through this battle, and praising the people who are out fundraising for it are worthy of our support.  I just wish I had more to give.

3 - The last reason was my family history.  I hated that I had a family history of breast cancer, but it is what it is.  I had to do something.  I had to get tested and either it would relieve any fears I had or confirm them.  If I had a fight on my hands I wanted to get it early and start as soon as possible.  I was not going to let this sneak up on me.  I wanted to take charge.  I wanted a chance.

So there I sat, making my appointment knowing:

3 Women my age - exactly my age

3 Friends - I knew these women - I know their story

3 Testing positive

All fighting for their lives any way they could!

continued tomorrow . . .