Monday, September 10, 2012

Attacked by the Big . . . Bad . . . Red Head . . .

I was departing my volunteer shift about a week before school got out. I stopped as I was about to leave to give a good friend some grief about being late . . .

1 - she lives like 3 miles to school

2 - she was a room mother and this day was a big event

3 - she wasn't just 5 or 10 Min's late . . . SHE HAD COFFEE!!!!

As I stop to give her grief . . . I was attacked!

At first I am taken back . . . could my attacker be joking?

Surely, she is joking . . .

Nope, she keeps going . . .

This cannot be a joke . . . this woman is . . .!

Back when I was in 5th grade a good friend, a good GUY friend, told me "You need the sugar water treatment." Being ignorant to all treatments especially the "sugar water" treatment I asked him what that meant!

He said . . . the sugar water treatment is where you take off your shirt. You mix water and sugar together and rub it on your chest and hope a mosquito comes by and bites you.

Based on this, I can only guess I was flat chested in 5th grade . . . my how things change over time!

My friend saying this put some doubt in my mind about getting . . .boobies, bubbies, the girls, and any other names you call them. I wondered how he, in 5th grade, knew so much about boobs. Clearly he knew more than me.

I make it out of 5th grade and as you expect . . . things did change! BOY DID THEY CHANGE!!!! No treatment necessary . . . of any kind!

So, there on that Thursday . . . 1 week before school is out . . . at the end of my shift . . . as I am giving my good friend some grief . . . I was attacked, harassed, verbally assaulted, terrorized . . . I was bullied by a grown woman!

The specifics are a blur . . . we were all caught off guard.  My friend and I all heard something a little different but so very similar.

The Big . . . Bad . . . Red Head asked - "is there an award for the parent with the most cleavage?" I am initially taken back. What did she just say? And I look down.
Redhead, Fat : Redhead lady on a white background
While my top was a v-neck . . . and while I did have on an under wire bra . . . and while I had my camera strap around my neck and therefore resting on the boobs - pushing down . . . they looked a little fuller than normal.

I realize then she was talking to me. She says it again . . . yea "do they have an award for the parent with the most cleavage?" I shoot my friends a look like what the hell did she just say?!?!?!? I meet their eyes, I go back and forth between my two girl friends and looking at one of their husbands.  We are all speechless.

BBR, big bad red,  has always had a sense of humor I don't get, or perhaps a complete lack of a sense of humor (that would explain so much). She always seemed not to get my jokes, like she is 4 seconds behind what I am saying.  Her "humor" generally made me feel awkward at times.  She just didn't  get my jokes, my self depreciating humor, my quick wit (it really is fast) my verbal banter.  She just doesn't get me and I am OK with that!  I thought we had a friendly relationship.  I thought we were friendly . . . clearly I was wrong.

She asks why I cannot pin my top closed. Well . . . BBR (big bad red) I don't want to ruin the material. I respond with . . . "yea, I never do that." I also won't wear stickers on my clothes.  I do not like putting those things on my clothes it either leaves a mark on the clothing where the pin went through or the sticker leaves a residue.

She says "can you wear something that covers all that up . . . still not sure what the angle is I say "I was always told if you got it flaunt it." I'm thinking to myself . . . Is this Bitch . . . drunk? Is this Bitch . . . HIGH?  This Bitch is CRAZY!!!!

She comes at me again, "Maybe I could go buy you a camisole." I think to myself why in the hell would I want another layer of clothing on in this hot weather. I respond with "I just figure if the nipple isn't showing we are doing OK."

"Maybe you could wear a Dickie." Well, the only Dickie I know of is a jump suit my sweet kind hearted grandfather wore at his lake house. So . . . NO! I cannot wear a Dickie. Now, I start to get a little smart assed. I tell her rarely does a man tell me no when I want something done so I consider them quiet effective. This isn't always true and no, I do not whip out a boob to make shit happen!

I look at my friend Dana who says let's go. I look back to my good friend and her husband who haven't said a single word during all this . . . both sit with their mouths slightly open and a small smirk wondering if this is real.  Clearly, they already knew this Bitch was Crazy!!!!  I look my friend in the eyes and say "we are going to go get lunch, come join us if you can."

As Dana and I are headed down the stairs we can still hear the woman . . . "maybe she should wear a scarf" . . . "maybe she has a jacket she can wear" we can hear her voice as if it was nails on a chalk board.

Dana and I are both stunned. We don't really talk about much, we just head to the cafeteria. There on the patio while we are eating I texed my friend, the one left with the boob police going on and on and on. I say "peep show on the cafe patio . . . come quick."

We text back in forth. We both draw the same conclusion . . . this woman is mean.

BBR and I had never had a problem. What caused her attack. Why did she go ape shit crazy on me?

There are several thoughts on this . . .

Here are the top 4 submitted by various sources . . .

1 - BBR's work contract had not been renewed and therefore she attacked my boobs - perfectly logical . . . right?

2 - BBR's son had been one of the boys who took money from a classmate unfairly only for my son to  intervened on behalf of the wronged classmate.  CLEARLY this is justification for her attack on my boobs - in the same situation I would attack someones boobs and maybe their right knee cap!

3 - BBR might have felt snubbed - that faithful morning as we were exiting the classroom after being given our volunteer post and directions I stopped to talk to a mom who I have known for 7 years.

Our boys started pre-K together at another school - they made the move at the same time to this school. We were just reflecting on the 7 years and the new kids just accepted into this school. At some point I see BBR move to my left but I am in the middle of a conversation and being nostalgic. I hear a HUMP from behind me, but don't pay it any mind. Ok - clearly this inadvertant snub is her best reason yet to attack innocent boobs just there to volunteer.

* disclaimer . . . reason # 4 - is by far the most popular theory on why BBR attacked me . . . hell it might even be the reason Lee Harvey was hanging at the Book Depository that afternoon in Dallas so many years ago . . . perhaps this is the real reason for Global Warming . . . clearly I feel this one is far fetched . . . as if the others weren't completely out in left field.

4 - the wildly popular, almost viral theory is that when BBR's husband left her, yup you guessed it, he left her for someone with bigger boobs! It seems far fetched and really out of the box - but it is gaining traction, especially among those that know her . . . and him!

With my feeling crushed, a tad bit more self conscious and anger welling up inside of me,  I came home. I texted our mutual friend that was left to hear all BBR's suggestions for my clothing, and said "You can bet she is off the pokeno list."

With out a doubt . . . The Bitch is off the list and won;t be invited back!!

Immediately after my text . . . I did what every sane, well adjusted, big boobed, out to take Big Bad Red down woman would do . . .

I un-friended her on Facebook.

THAT will show her!

Your Truly . . . .Boobs McGee!

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