It Is What It Is . . .: TORTURE . . .

Early last week my husband reminded me we had a "legal" dinner. We were set to go to a BEYOND beautiful home here in Dallas, it is listed as the 14th most expensive home and . . . I believe it. BEYOND BEAUTIFUL!

I start stressing mid week about what to wear . . . I drag my mother with me to Nordstrom’s to buy a new dress. I don't buy just 1 . . . .4 dresses later I should . . . SHOULD . . . be covered. We head down to the shoe department. I tried on 22 pairs of shoes. 22 pairs - what I wanted . . . my mother didn't like. What she liked . . . I didn't want. Then there was the shoe the dress dictated . . . and I didn't want that kind either.

See . . . I am a soccer mom . . . not really but the term fits. Actually I am a swim team, select football team, pee wee soccer, gas guzzling, car pool, recently ticketed aggressive crazy mom driver - NOW do you have a better picture? I am good for a pair of Tory Burch flip flops, Gucci slide ons, Manolo kitten heel sandals . . . or Uggs! I like a comfortable shoe. In fact . . . I LOVE a comfortable shoe!

You see all these crazy bitches on the Real Housewives, or the models strutting down the cat walk or my Head B room mom - something they all have in common is they look mean, never smiling, nasty people, not happy and they all wear those red bottom shoes. You know the one - 6.5in high . . . horribly upright . . . horribly uncomfortable . . . horribly horribly horribly beautiful shoes which should be considered more art than functional! MAYBE . . . just MAYBE . . . this was why Kim K's marriage failed! Nah . . . it was Chris!

Just looking at these shoes makes me want them. While their cost is CRAZY expensive and they are CRAZY popular I just can't see myself doing it.

I know myself well AND I know my balance issues. I danced for 14 years - I have great balance for my 5'7" (slightly plump . . . leave it along) frame. Adding 6.5" would put me over 6' foot and at 6' foot - you need oxygen masks for air, you look down on people . . . seriously you do, and it is further to fall. That is right . . . despite my very good balance and strong core muscles . . . I would fall and no amount of beautiful, EXPENSIVE, gaze inducing shoes can cover you ass quick enough from people seeing your SPANXs and panties!

So . . . I don't do them.

But as I was trying those types of shoes on at Nordstrom’s it got me thinking about the war in the Middle East. Yes, I know . . . such a logical jump . . . high priced shoes = Middle East. Anyway . . . I know . . . and I feel certain . . . that should anyone in the US, England or our allies catch and detain an undesirable . . . should we want information from them . . . we should put them in these shoes.

That is right - camo outfits . . . handcuffed . . . walking around a room . . . for hours . . . with uneven wood or slippery marble floors and watch them fall hard. Tension in every muscle . . . with every step you take . . . you know . . . it will happen . . . you will fall. Each step puts you one step closer to falling . . . one step closer to hitting the ground hard. Will you go down to one knee as your shoe slips out from under you? Will it be an ankle giving out and down you go. Will it be a snag in a carpet, Turkish rug, or a transition strip from one room to the next that has you stumble - almost falling - catching yourself but not before everyone has turned to look?

These shoes are the best torture devices - ask any woman! Hell, you don't even need them in every size - we woman know if you find a good shoe you cram your foot in it - that is part of the challenge - that is part of the outfit - that is the sacrifice for looking beautiful.

Back to the 14th most expensive and BEYOND BEAUTIFUL home in Dallas . . . There we were with 45 to 50 area judges and probably 100 lawyers . . . at a cocktail party . . . to be followed by dinner . . . and here I was in . . . a dress I already had (that my husband's grandmother said I looked like a prostitute in, because of the big boobs) and in sandals . . . 2.25" high . . . ready to have fun.

Women size run
all shoes	espadrilles only
IT	US	IT	US
34	4
34.5	4.5
35	5	35	5
35.5	5.5
36	6	36	6
36.5	6.5
37	7	37	7
37.5	7.5
38	8	38	8
38.5	8.5
39	9	39	9
39.5	9.5
40	10	40	10
40.5	10.5
41	11	41	11
41.5	11.5
42	12

We arrived at 6pm at the house and left right about 11. I promise you . . . while I didn't have on 6.5" heels . . . I would have done ANYTHING . . . ANYTHING . . . to have been able to kick those shoes off and slip on something more comfortable.

ANYTHING . . . I think those shoes have a real future as torture devices. Just think . . . had we made those held at Gitmo wear heels in the yard . . . we would have found Osama and Sadaam a hell of a lot sooner! Just sayin

It Is What It Is . . .

Monday, April 23, 2012

TORTURE . . .

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